It's quite the conundrum that the dichotomy of the date that marks the beginning of the calendar year is so because in addition to being the second worst day of the year (second only to Valentine's day), it is also the most reflective day where one ought to glimpse into the past and ponder the future, no matter how mundane his existence may seem on the surface. Now, I'm not the most philosophical of people; I try to merely go along to get along while trying not to be bored. But after several hours of the Twilight Zone marathon that the good people over at the Sci-Fi channel provide for us, I can't help but seem to feel that my personal time continuum is on a loop, that my history is set on "repeat". Don't get me wrong. I don't mind forgoing a social life on the one day that is meant to be spent out of the house just to sit and watch a show that was fifty years ahead of its time. In fact, it's quite a good show, offering such quotes as "the second children stop playing games, they start to get old" or "I'm talking Tina and I'm going to kill you." Of course, I'm veering off track just so that I can define myself as someone with classy taste, and a desire for the "what once was". But in all seriousness, life is starting to take a pattern, filling each year with ups and downs, friendships gained, and relationships lost, job quit and random positions taken, all encircled by the beginning and end of the yearly time spectrum marked with the downs of spending New Years at home and the ups of the aforementioned television show.
But just because 2008 started and ended with familial deaths, holistically, this was the year of self definition (and I'm not talking about the abs that I'm trying to sculpt!) My personal metamorphosis allowed me to realize who I was on the inside, and who was willing to walk along side me, despite my confused sense of being. After all, it was only this past May or June when I declared to my parents that I was to become a scuba diver. And after a twenty hour course, a July excursion to the Bahamas, and a September camp out in the rain in the middle of Pennsylvania Dutch country that I received not only my diving certification, but my advanced diving certification. That wasn't enough for me though, and in November, I made a second declaration that I wanted to learn how to bartend, and so after another 40 hours during my Saturdays, and a grueling exam, I was able to make 12 drinks in 7 minutes, and get yet another certification that superficially defines me and distracts me from the reality that I am just as lost as the survivors of Oceanic flight 815. As David Cook sings, it was my declaration to anyone who's listening. And they were. For the first time since my college years, when friendship had surrounded me and my everyday existence was happily mistaken for the change that the world needed, or perhaps redemption for my future sins, people were starting to take notice. With the declaration from a former Broadway performer telling me to persue the art, or the question from my brother, asking me "how does it feel do actually do things?", to the first musical compliment from my gifted and talented best friend in regard to a song that I had recorded, people were starting to notice. But more importantly, I was starting to take notice. After a fall from grace, and a dead end job at a newspaper with people whom I loved, my final test came in the form of gang members. I knew I had finally circled back to the character of my glory days when one of my students, Justin, (a member of the Latin Kings) approached me one day during a free period and told me that we needed to talk. Of course, I know better than to not have another adult in the room with me during those moments of "we need to talk", but despite the fact that an adult was only about five feet away, he still felt the need to continue the conversation. After the sixteen year old had told me that he hated his father, and hated the fact that he was his father to his newborn daughter, a girl who incidentally had the same birthday as I did, hence the catalyst for our bond, he looked at me and said "I know what the answer would be, but I need to ask anyway. Can I come live with you?" Well, he was right. He did know what the answer was, but despite his disappointment in that small thing called the law, he spent the next few weeks trying to prove to me that he honestly did appreciate all that I had done for him. And while I would absolutely help him get out of his shitty situation, as I told him I would, I got to thinking... maybe I can't be his guardian, but maybe that role in some other child's life is just what we both need, if for nothing more than to give mine purpose. And that is my hope. Of course, I don't have the financial means now, nor do I have the time, what with me pursuing all of my other personal endeavors (sailing and flying planes is next by the way), but for some odd reason, that seems to be the dominating thought in my mind these past few months. Well, that and I hope the giants win the Superbowl again.
For now, though, I am satisfied with the bonds that I do have. Even when one person made it clear that I was to be loved in a different way than I had at first wanted, it is an unconditional Agape, which touches my soul much deeper than any Eros would. And the memories we have already made will far outlast any future experiences I could ever have with ANYBODY else, as hard to believe as that may seem. And even after one friend walked away forever on the most magical night this year, the pain was subsided with the assurance that it was only an isolated incident (despite the repetitiveness of it from past friendships!)
Yes, 2008 was that year of self defining. Two years ago, another former close friend (see, we''re dealing with the cycles of life again!) thanked me for yet another great year. And they are. The changes, the discoveries, the adventures, and the prospects of existing even better are all reasons to continue during 2009, hard as that may be sometimes. And who knows, maybe one day my time travel theory will be more than that, and we can just simply play around and manipulate the past, present, and future to our liking. Until then, I love you all, and look forward to another interesting year.

And yes, because some of you asked.... here is my annual list of good memories from 2008... in no particular order:
1) Pregaming in the giant's parking lot.
2) Being introduced to the two Davids: Cook and Archuletta.
3) My first Baptist wedding. Hallelujah!
4) Going from six feet under to sixty feet under!
5) Last play at Shea with Billy Joel.
6) Seeing my cousin Fran for the first time since I was a kid, right before she died.
7) 3 hour cruise around Manhattan.
8) Manhattans <3
9) Playing Rockband and Assassin's Creed for the first four months of the year.
10) My trip to Newport.
11) My second trip to Rhode Island to experience my first Frat party (and every pill that came with it!)
12) Grace Kelly
13) Playland on Memorial day.
14) Playland on the 4th of July.
15) Watching two people I love get fired from the Journal News and then quitting the next day out of principle.
16) Spring Awakening on Broadway.
17) Les Miserables, Footloose, Kiss Me Kate, and that other really good show about the Bible that some Hen Hud students put on (though I can't remember the name of it.)
18) Rollerblading by the water.
19) Wii Fit
20) Watching all 23 James Bond movies IN ORDER, ending with Quantum of Solace.